EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAR PARK, DAY.
A winter’s day. Frost on the ground. JAN and SIMON drive a battered old jalopy toward the school entrance.
Jan is at the wheel. Simon roots through a large mail bag on his lap, ripping open letters, scanning them, then tossing them in the back.
SIMON
Jan old chum, it’s official. They all say the same thing. The fan mail requests all point to the same direction: The Eighties.
Jan looks confused.
JAN
‘Scuse me? Fan mail? There is no way we have a fan mail bag. We have one reader, and that’s only because he Facebook-stalked you onto the blog.
SIMON
That’s right. They’re all from that guy.
JAN
All of them? How many letters has he sent?
SIMON
Now hang on. Francis is a loyal follower of our critical musings-
JAN
Simon-
SIMON
Three hundred and nine.
Jan glares at Simon.
SIMON
What? He works at the sorting office. He gets free stamps, so he can send as many letters as he li-
SCREECH of tyres as Jan slams on the brakes.
BENDER (17) stalks across the road in front of them, sunglasses on, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Beat.
JAN
Breakfast Club?
Simon glances down at a letter from the mail bag. It’s adorned with cut-out pictures of John Hughes, each encircled with a pink love heart.
SIMON
It fits...
INT. CORRIDOR, SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL, DAY.
Class bell RINGS.
Looking into the mirror on the inside of a locker, Jan licks his fingers, smoothing down his hair. He’s dressed up like Vice-Principal Vernon. He notices the camera, and straightens his jacket.
JAN
Ah. Now. The Breakfast Club. Probably John Hughes’ finest hour and a half. Five teenagers meet in Saturday detention, and they’ll never be the same again. They’ve been stereotyped their whole lives, and they’re sick of it. Breakfast Club is...it’s...
Simon closes his locker. He’s in the exact same get-up we just saw Bender wearing.
SIMON
It’s gleefully anarchic. If you’re any kind of authority - parent...teacher...lollipop lady...this film is out to get you.
They drift down the corridor.
JAN
This is genre-defining stuff. These kids are thrown in the deep end, and the only person who can swim wants to drown them. What teen movie since boasts such a beautifully simple, unaffected premise, or a cast everyone remembers verbatim?
Simon opens his mouth to answer; Jan covers Simon’s mouth.
JAN
Except the lifelong work of John Hughes.
He releases his hand.
SIMON
Well, what counts as a teen movie these days? Superbad?
JAN
Not nearly bad enough.
SIMON
Mean Girls?
JAN
Eh. Bit mean for my taste.
SIMON
Twilight?
A look of panic on his face, Jan quickly yanks a fire extinguisher off the wall and clocks Simon around the face with a CLANG.
SIMON
AGH!
Jan puts the extinguisher down, and helps Simon to his feet.
JAN
Sorry. You made me promise.
SIMON
Yes I did. Thank you. Probably.
Jan pauses at the library door, checking his teeth in the glass.
JAN
You’d do the same for me.
He heads inside the library. Simon lingers a moment, glancing back at the fire extinguisher.
SIMON
Yes. Yes I would.
INT. LIBRARY, SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL, DAY.
BRIAN (17), CLAIRE (17), ALLISON (17) and ANDREW (17) are sat in a circle beneath the stairs, talking, sharing secrets.
To one side, sat at their desks, Simon and Jan watch.
They both turn their heads to face camera, whispering.
SIMON
Crucially, we believe in these kids.
He takes out his lunchbox, pauses.
SIMON (CONT’D)
Every one of them feels just like every one of us felt at that age. Neglected. Bizarre. Vulnerable.
Simon looks inside his sandwich. Astounded at what he sees there, he whips off his sunglasses, stabbing them into the table.
JAN
That’s it exactly.
Allison pops into frame, nabs the sunglasses, disappears.
Simon looks up from rummaging in his pockets, half sure something just happened.
JAN (CONT’D)
Even the invincible Bender gets hurt.
Simon takes a pair of creme eggs from his pocket, cracking them open into the sandwich, throwing away the chocolate shells.
JAN (CONT’D)
Bender, who seems at first so at home with danger and rebellion, is played with scene-stealing virtuosity and astonishing subtlety by Judd Nelson.
Simon arranges jelly babies on the bread, then rips open a packet of sherbet and starts sprinkling.
JAN (CONT’D)
Whether it’s with Vernon, where he takes physical threats with silent dignity, or with Claire, admitting a little tenderness into her view of him, he’s so much more sensitive than he likes to...admit...
He trails off as he notices Simon shaking up a can of whipped cream.
SIMON
Absolutely. Hidden depths to that boy, no doubt.
Jan looks at the sugary abomination Simon has created. FWOOSH as the whipped cream is sprayed in a smiley face over the top.
JAN
Simon, are you pregnant?
Simon takes a bite from his “sandwich”, innocently shaking his head.
SIMON
Nomf.
JAN
...Just checking.
Simon shakes his sandwich; it makes a SWILLING noise as the contents shift from side to side. He looks up to camera.
SIMON
This film won’t change your life. Sorry. It’s terrific and you can watch it five times in a row, but films can’t really change your life.
JAN
No. Only connecting with people outside your usual social circles will do that.
SIMON
So get up, turn off the internet, and go hang around some high school detention classes-
JAN
Yes. If you want to get arrested.
SIMON
Francis, you know I would never encourage any illegal act. Back me up on this.
JAN
Okay, you know what? If you’re going to bait the fanbase, I’m finishing the review.
SIMON
What? No way! You can’t-
Cut to black.
JAN
Bam. That’s right. Don’t mess with the bull young man, you’ll get the HORNS.
SMASH of drums, leading into “Don’t You Forget About Me” by Simple Minds as credits roll.
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