The end credits roll on 21 grams; only a massive truck
with the words "JESUS SAVES" painted on the side remains
in the drive-in.
INT. JESUS TRUCK, NIGHT.
SIMON (24) and JAN (25) sit in the truck. Simon flicks on
the overhead light, startling Jan.
SIMON
We made it through to the end.
So. How much is 21 grams?
JAN
The weight of a chocolate
hummingbird, I think.
SIMON
Jan, chocolate hummingbirds
would’ve been a welcome relief
from that crushingly depressive
tract we just endured.
JAN
Wait a sec, this isn’t fair, I’m
half-asleep here. I need...I
need...uh...
Reaching into the door well, Simon tosses over a can of
Pepsi; with lightning reflexes, Jan snatches it out of the
air, his face lighting up.
PZZZT as he opens it.
He lifts it high, drinks it all, squeezes the can dry and
tosses it out of the window.
JAN (CONT’D)
rrrrRRRRROOOOOAAAAAALLLLLRIIIIIIGHT
so this film is about three
complete strangers who are
brought together by a cruel and
fatal accident; a douchey maths
professor, an ex-con on religion
auto-pilot and an inconsolable
widow who likes swimming, Class A
substances and getting caught in
the rain-
SIMON
Hold it there, Tonto. The only
reason we know all that is from
the back of the DVD box.
JAN
Actually I read it in this
personal ad-
SIMON
Personal ads, phooey. 21 grams
plunged us in the deep-end from
the start. Didn’t give us any
names, any background, not a
single detail to help us identify
with these suckers.
JAN
I’m all for being challenged, but
the scatter-shot approach to
editing just confused and
annoyed-
EXT. DESERT HILLS, DAY.
Simon sways, dazed and bleary-eyed, pointing a snub-nosed
revolver at Jan, knelt before him, hands behind his head.
Jan slowly starts to move his hands down as Simon talks.
SIMON
I know exactly what you mean, old
chum. Just as you think you’re
starting to get your bearings on
what’s happening, the film hops
off onto some other odd tangent
with no warning-HANDS BEHIND YOUR
HEAD MOTHERFUCKER!
Jan quickly returns his hands back behind his head.
JAN
Okay, okay. Non-linear
storytelling. It’s been done
before, with massive success -
Memento, The Prestige-
SIMON
All fine and thought-provoking
works. But what they had, and
what 21 grams lacks, is-
Jan SNAPS his fingers, jumping to his feet.
JAN
Christopher Nolan!
BANG - Simon shoots Jan in the chest.
INT. HOSPITAL WARD, DAY.
Jan wakes up with a jolt from his bed, wired up with
stents and an oxygen mask. He looks over to Simon, reading
the back of the 21 grams DVD.
SIMON
Jan removes his oxygen mask.
JAN
You shot me.
SIMON
I don’t know about you, but it
was the absence of a driving
force that bored me. The
characters didn’t engage me, the
story was rambling and
derivative-
JAN
You. Shot me.
SIMON
And as for this gruesome spectacle...
A nurse hands Simon a human heart in a jar. Simon swishes
it around, until a little carved-out love heart with the
words "KEVIN SMITH 4 EVA" is visible.
JAN
Hey, that’s my heart! Wait-
Jan feels his own chest, where massive bandages are
wrapped around him.
JAN (CONT’D)
If my heart’s in there...whose
heart have I got in me?
Simon looks away, looking guilty as hell.
JAN (CONT’D)
Simon...
SIMON
Okay fine.
He points over his shoulder, to the adjacent bed.
SIMON (CONT'D)
You’ve got Sean Penn’s heart.
SEAN PENN (50) slowly turns over in his bed, covered in tubes, his eyes bloodshot and staring.
JAN
What? Sean Penn’s heart?
Sean Penn snarls, trying to lift a hand to grab at Jan.
JAN (CONT'D)
Simon...you did ask if you could
have his heart, didn't you?
SIMON
I know exactly what you mean, old
chum. Just as you think you’re
starting to get your bearings on
what’s happening, the film hops
off onto some other odd tangent
with no warning-HANDS BEHIND YOUR
HEAD MOTHERFUCKER!
Jan quickly returns his hands back behind his head.
JAN
Okay, okay. Non-linear
storytelling. It’s been done
before, with massive success -
Memento, The Prestige-
SIMON
All fine and thought-provoking
works. But what they had, and
what 21 grams lacks, is-
Jan SNAPS his fingers, jumping to his feet.
JAN
Christopher Nolan!
BANG - Simon shoots Jan in the chest.
INT. HOSPITAL WARD, DAY.
Jan wakes up with a jolt from his bed, wired up with
stents and an oxygen mask. He looks over to Simon, reading
the back of the 21 grams DVD.
SIMON
A valid point, Jan, but it’s more
about the innovation and imagination
about the innovation and imagination
a director like Nolan puts into those
films than his actual presence or
absence that makes the difference.
Jan removes his oxygen mask.
JAN
You shot me.
SIMON
I don’t know about you, but it
was the absence of a driving
force that bored me. The
characters didn’t engage me, the
story was rambling and
derivative-
JAN
You. Shot me.
SIMON
And as for this gruesome spectacle...
A nurse hands Simon a human heart in a jar. Simon swishes
it around, until a little carved-out love heart with the
words "KEVIN SMITH 4 EVA" is visible.
JAN
Hey, that’s my heart! Wait-
Jan feels his own chest, where massive bandages are
wrapped around him.
JAN (CONT’D)
If my heart’s in there...whose
heart have I got in me?
Simon looks away, looking guilty as hell.
JAN (CONT’D)
Simon...
SIMON
Okay fine.
He points over his shoulder, to the adjacent bed.
SIMON (CONT'D)
You’ve got Sean Penn’s heart.
SEAN PENN (50) slowly turns over in his bed, covered in tubes, his eyes bloodshot and staring.
JAN
What? Sean Penn’s heart?
Sean Penn snarls, trying to lift a hand to grab at Jan.
JAN (CONT'D)
Simon...you did ask if you could
have his heart, didn't you?
Simon slips the 21 grams DVD into Sean Penn’s grasping
hand.
SIMON
’Course I did. Look Jan, this is
exactly the kind of stilted
melodrama 21 grams peddles, and I
won’t stand for it. I want a
decisive opinion on the film
right now.
JAN
But...Sean Penn...
SIMON
He’s catatonic. Opinion, Henden.
JAN
It’s a torturously boring
schizophrenic headache from hell.
How’s that?
SIMON
Wonderful. I bet they’ll put that
in quotes on the special edition
boxset.
Sean Penn throws the 21 grams DVD at Jan, starting to
froth at the mouth.
CUE MOROSE, SUBDUED CREDITS OVER A DUSKY SKY, WHERE A
TRUCK WITH A BADLY BENT FENDER IS SILHOUETTED ON THE
HORIZON.
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