Classic or Clunker? #3 "The Breakfast Club" (1985)

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAR PARK, DAY.

A winter’s day. Frost on the ground. JAN and SIMON drive a battered old jalopy toward the school entrance.

Jan is at the wheel. Simon roots through a large mail bag on his lap, ripping open letters, scanning them, then tossing them in the back.

SIMON

Jan old chum, it’s official. They all say the same thing. The fan mail requests all point to the same direction: The Eighties.

Jan looks confused.

JAN

‘Scuse me? Fan mail? There is no way we have a fan mail bag. We have one reader, and that’s only because he Facebook-stalked you onto the blog.

SIMON

That’s right. They’re all from that guy.

JAN

All of them? How many letters has he sent?

SIMON

Now hang on. Francis is a loyal follower of our critical musings-

JAN

Simon-

SIMON

Three hundred and nine.

Jan glares at Simon.

SIMON

What? He works at the sorting office. He gets free stamps, so he can send as many letters as he li-

SCREECH of tyres as Jan slams on the brakes.

BENDER (17) stalks across the road in front of them, sunglasses on, hands stuffed in his pockets.

Beat.

JAN

Breakfast Club?

Simon glances down at a letter from the mail bag. It’s adorned with cut-out pictures of John Hughes, each encircled with a pink love heart.

SIMON

It fits...

INT. CORRIDOR, SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL, DAY.

Class bell RINGS.

Looking into the mirror on the inside of a locker, Jan licks his fingers, smoothing down his hair. He’s dressed up like Vice-Principal Vernon. He notices the camera, and straightens his jacket.

JAN

Ah. Now. The Breakfast Club. Probably John Hughes’ finest hour and a half. Five teenagers meet in Saturday detention, and they’ll never be the same again. They’ve been stereotyped their whole lives, and they’re sick of it. Breakfast Club is...it’s...

Simon closes his locker. He’s in the exact same get-up we just saw Bender wearing.

SIMON

It’s gleefully anarchic. If you’re any kind of authority - parent...teacher...lollipop lady...this film is out to get you.

They drift down the corridor.

JAN

This is genre-defining stuff. These kids are thrown in the deep end, and the only person who can swim wants to drown them. What teen movie since boasts such a beautifully simple, unaffected premise, or a cast everyone remembers verbatim?

Simon opens his mouth to answer; Jan covers Simon’s mouth.

JAN

Except the lifelong work of John Hughes.

He releases his hand.

SIMON

Well, what counts as a teen movie these days? Superbad?

JAN

Not nearly bad enough.

SIMON

Mean Girls?

JAN

Eh. Bit mean for my taste.

SIMON

Twilight?

A look of panic on his face, Jan quickly yanks a fire extinguisher off the wall and clocks Simon around the face with a CLANG.

SIMON

AGH!

Jan puts the extinguisher down, and helps Simon to his feet.

JAN

Sorry. You made me promise.

SIMON

Yes I did. Thank you. Probably.

Jan pauses at the library door, checking his teeth in the glass.

JAN

You’d do the same for me.

He heads inside the library. Simon lingers a moment, glancing back at the fire extinguisher.

SIMON

Yes. Yes I would.

INT. LIBRARY, SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL, DAY.

BRIAN (17), CLAIRE (17), ALLISON (17) and ANDREW (17) are sat in a circle beneath the stairs, talking, sharing secrets.

To one side, sat at their desks, Simon and Jan watch.

They both turn their heads to face camera, whispering.

SIMON

Crucially, we believe in these kids.

He takes out his lunchbox, pauses.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Every one of them feels just like every one of us felt at that age. Neglected. Bizarre. Vulnerable.

Simon looks inside his sandwich. Astounded at what he sees there, he whips off his sunglasses, stabbing them into the table.

JAN

That’s it exactly.

Allison pops into frame, nabs the sunglasses, disappears.

Simon looks up from rummaging in his pockets, half sure something just happened.

JAN (CONT’D)

Even the invincible Bender gets hurt.

Simon takes a pair of creme eggs from his pocket, cracking them open into the sandwich, throwing away the chocolate shells.

JAN (CONT’D)

Bender, who seems at first so at home with danger and rebellion, is played with scene-stealing virtuosity and astonishing subtlety by Judd Nelson.

Simon arranges jelly babies on the bread, then rips open a packet of sherbet and starts sprinkling.

JAN (CONT’D)

Whether it’s with Vernon, where he takes physical threats with silent dignity, or with Claire, admitting a little tenderness into her view of him, he’s so much more sensitive than he likes to...admit...

He trails off as he notices Simon shaking up a can of whipped cream.

SIMON

Absolutely. Hidden depths to that boy, no doubt.

Jan looks at the sugary abomination Simon has created. FWOOSH as the whipped cream is sprayed in a smiley face over the top.

JAN

Simon, are you pregnant?

Simon takes a bite from his “sandwich”, innocently shaking his head.

SIMON

Nomf.

JAN

...Just checking.  

Simon shakes his sandwich; it makes a SWILLING noise as the contents shift from side to side. He looks up to camera.

SIMON

This film won’t change your life. Sorry. It’s terrific and you can watch it five times in a row, but films can’t really change your life.

JAN

No. Only connecting with people outside your usual social circles will do that.

SIMON

So get up, turn off the internet, and go hang around some high school detention classes-

JAN

Yes. If you want to get arrested.

SIMON

Francis, you know I would never encourage any illegal act. Back me up on this.

JAN

Okay, you know what? If you’re going to bait the fanbase, I’m finishing the review.

SIMON

What? No way! You can’t-

Cut to black.

JAN

Bam. That’s right. Don’t mess with the bull young man, you’ll get the HORNS.

SMASH of drums, leading into “Don’t You Forget About Me” by Simple Minds as credits roll. 

Classic or Clunker? #2: "21 Grams" (2003)

EXT. DRIVE-IN THEATRE, NIGHT.

The end credits roll on 21 grams; only a massive truck
with the words "JESUS SAVES" painted on the side remains
in the drive-in.

INT. JESUS TRUCK, NIGHT.

SIMON (24) and JAN (25) sit in the truck. Simon flicks on
the overhead light, startling Jan.

SIMON
We made it through to the end.
So. How much is 21 grams?

JAN
The weight of a chocolate
hummingbird, I think.

SIMON
Jan, chocolate hummingbirds
would’ve been a welcome relief
from that crushingly depressive
tract we just endured.

JAN
Wait a sec, this isn’t fair, I’m
half-asleep here. I need...I
need...uh...

Reaching into the door well, Simon tosses over a can of
Pepsi; with lightning reflexes, Jan snatches it out of the
air, his face lighting up.

PZZZT as he opens it.

He lifts it high, drinks it all, squeezes the can dry and
tosses it out of the window.

JAN (CONT’D)
rrrrRRRRROOOOOAAAAAALLLLLRIIIIIIGHT
so this film is about three
complete strangers who are
brought together by a cruel and
fatal accident; a douchey maths
professor, an ex-con on religion
auto-pilot and an inconsolable
widow who likes swimming, Class A
substances and getting caught in
the rain-

SIMON
Hold it there, Tonto. The only
reason we know all that is from
the back of the DVD box.

JAN
Actually I read it in this
personal ad-

SIMON
Personal ads, phooey. 21 grams
plunged us in the deep-end from
the start. Didn’t give us any
names, any background, not a
single detail to help us identify
with these suckers.

JAN
I’m all for being challenged, but
the scatter-shot approach to
editing just confused and
annoyed-

EXT. DESERT HILLS, DAY.

Simon sways, dazed and bleary-eyed, pointing a snub-nosed
revolver at Jan, knelt before him, hands behind his head.

Jan slowly starts to move his hands down as Simon talks.

SIMON
I know exactly what you mean, old
chum. Just as you think you’re
starting to get your bearings on
what’s happening, the film hops
off onto some other odd tangent
with no warning-HANDS BEHIND YOUR
HEAD MOTHERFUCKER!

Jan quickly returns his hands back behind his head.

JAN
Okay, okay. Non-linear
storytelling. It’s been done
before, with massive success -
Memento, The Prestige-

SIMON
All fine and thought-provoking
works. But what they had, and
what 21 grams lacks, is-

Jan SNAPS his fingers, jumping to his feet.

JAN
Christopher Nolan!

BANG - Simon shoots Jan in the chest.

INT. HOSPITAL WARD, DAY.

Jan wakes up with a jolt from his bed, wired up with
stents and an oxygen mask. He looks over to Simon, reading
the back of the 21 grams DVD.

SIMON

A valid point, Jan, but it’s more
about the innovation and imagination 

a director like Nolan puts into those 

films than his actual presence or 

absence that makes the difference.

Jan removes his oxygen mask.

JAN
You shot me.

SIMON
I don’t know about you, but it
was the absence of a driving
force that bored me. The
characters didn’t engage me, the
story was rambling and
derivative-

JAN
You. Shot me.

SIMON
And as for this gruesome spectacle...

A nurse hands Simon a human heart in a jar. Simon swishes
it around, until a little carved-out love heart with the
words "KEVIN SMITH 4 EVA" is visible.

JAN
Hey, that’s my heart! Wait-

Jan feels his own chest, where massive bandages are
wrapped around him.

JAN (CONT’D)
If my heart’s in there...whose
heart have I got in me?

Simon looks away, looking guilty as hell.

JAN (CONT’D)
Simon...

SIMON
Okay fine.

He points over his shoulder, to the adjacent bed.

SIMON (CONT'D)
You’ve got Sean Penn’s heart.

SEAN PENN (50) slowly turns over in his bed, covered in tubes,  his eyes bloodshot and staring.

JAN
What? Sean Penn’s heart?

Sean Penn snarls, trying to lift a hand to grab at Jan.

JAN (CONT'D)
Simon...you did ask if you could
have his heart, didn't you?

Simon slips the 21 grams DVD into Sean Penn’s grasping
hand.

SIMON
’Course I did. Look Jan, this is
exactly the kind of stilted
melodrama 21 grams peddles, and I
won’t stand for it. I want a
decisive opinion on the film
right now.

JAN
But...Sean Penn...

SIMON
He’s catatonic. Opinion, Henden.

JAN
It’s a torturously boring
schizophrenic headache from hell.
How’s that?

SIMON
Wonderful. I bet they’ll put that 
in quotes on the special edition
boxset.

Sean Penn throws the 21 grams DVD at Jan, starting to
froth at the mouth.

CUE MOROSE, SUBDUED CREDITS OVER A DUSKY SKY, WHERE A
TRUCK WITH A BADLY BENT FENDER IS SILHOUETTED ON THE
HORIZON.
                                                  

An Introduction to Dip My Brain In Joy

Hello, welcome, bienvenue, and gesundheit. Before we dive head first into the depths of unmitigated delight that is the first review, we’d better empty out our pockets and explain ourselves.

Dip My Brain In Joy is a collaborative effort between intrepid UK-based writers Simon Moore (me) and Jan Henden (not me), who met in Finland on a screenwriting course. Jan writes comedy, I write comedy...it was a simple enough equation. Writer + Writer = Work That Actually Sees The Light of Day.

To start with, we’re keeping things simple. Blogs are divided into two categories.  First is “Screen Fix”, where Jan and I take a trip to our local cinema to throw popcorn at the ushers and maybe take in a film currently showing whilst we’re there. 

“Classic or Clunker?” involves a DVD player, a badass projector and two guys with pens who have absolutely no problem asking awkward questions in the middle of films. This feature is all about making our way through the so-called ‘classics’ that we’ve somehow never gotten around to seeing in our twenty-something years of existence.

That’s it. Two writers rabbiting on about films. No thumbs, no stars. We’re educated men, we know our stuff about films, and we can express ourselves without some arbitrary scoring system. Scores and ratings are not what film is about.

We are not obliged to be polite or reserved in our opinions. If we think a film is god-awful and deserves a punch in the ear, we’ll say so. Equally, if a film deserves praise and plaudits and regular cards at Christmas, you can count on us to tell you.

The name is not there by accident. No sir. Though it is shamelessly snatched from Neil Innes’ terrific ballad “How Sweet To Be An Idiot” (if you’re not familiar with it, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-DgIU4E9Mo&feature=related). The whole point of this blog is to speculate about, commentate on and enjoy film. No academic dissection, no dry analysis; this is designed to be as entertaining as humanly possible.

We invite you to come and (sporadically) dip your brain in joy.

Classic or Clunker? #1: "The Sting" (1973)

INT. THE REVIEWATORIUM, JAN’S FLAT, DAY.

A projector flickers in the background. JAN HENDEN (25) and SIMON MOORE (24) sit on the sofa, watching the credits for The Sting roll.

 JAN
Simon, I feel cheated.

SIMON
Cheated in a good way, or cheated
in a "my wallet definitely had
more money in it 2 hours ago" way?

JAN
Cheated in good way. It...reeled
us in, I suppose.

SIMON
Yes - from the very start, with
those homely little drawings
that looked like those
awful courtroom sketches they
show on the news. I thought we
were in for a bit of lightweight
’antics’, Ocean’s Eleven style.

JAN
Whoa there, Nelly. Let’s run
through the set up first.

Jan looks to camera, leaning on the back of the sofa, Roger Ebert-style.

JAN (CONT’D)
Directed by George Roy Hill, The
Sting is about a skilful but
unlucky conman, Johnny Hooker-

SIMON
Played by Robert Redford.

Jan closes Simon’s laptop lid.

JAN
Simon, get off IMDB right now.
The DVD case is right there in
front of you.

SIMON
I wanted to check who this one
guy from Spy Hard was.

Jan SIGHS. Simon puts the laptop away, disappears off-camera.

JAN
Hooker loses his best friend
Luther after getting in over his
head with a big score. Now he
must call on the help of Henry
Gondorff-

Simon calls from the bathroom.

SIMON (OFF CAMERA)
Paul Newman!

JAN
...recommended to him by Luther
as the best con artist he ever
met, to get one back on crime
boss Doyle Lonnegan-

SIMON (O.C.)
Robert Shaw!

Jan looks to the table, which is missing the DVD case.

JAN
Did you take the case in there
with you or something?

SIMON (O.C.)
...No?

JAN
Anyway. Lonnegan is the man
responsible for Luther’s death,
and these two are determined to
make him pay for it, with the
biggest sting they could ever
dream of pulling off. It’s
well-planned, well-executed and
very, very entertaining.

Simon returns from the bathroom, leaping back onto the sofa, sitting cross-legged.

SIMON
The "wire" con, or the film?

JAN
Both. And quit spoiling, you.

SIMON
There you go. "Spoiling". "Wire".
"Sting". What are they on their
own? Words, that’s what.

JAN
Well, you have words. I have
words. Let’s compare words.

SIMON
Very well.



JAN
Here’s one: incredible.

SIMON
Clever, too. The whole film is a
con, from beginning to end. It
shows all those low-level cons...

JAN
Yes! The card tricks; that genius
move at the café, pretending that
he went out the window-

SIMON
Them’s the ones.

Simon turns to camera, taking on a sly half-smile.

SIMON (CONT’D)
The film lets us in on enough of
those easy, grifter style tricks
to make us think we’re just as
smart and seasoned as Hooker and
Gondorff. And while they’re
flashing those pearly whites and
walking around those beautiful
’30s sets to a honky tonk piano
score, the plot is creeping up
behind us, ready to pull the
blanket over our eyes when we
least expect it.

JAN
So you admit you walked right
into their trap, same as
Lonnegan?

SIMON
Like a knife juggler into a
manhole, Jan: I should’ve seen it
coming, but my mind was on other
things.

JAN
My mind was on the acting. Quite
a lot.

SIMON
Can’t blame you there. You’ve got
Butch and Sundance at the helm -
Redford with his dark, stony
looks, Newman’s glibly expressive
eyes...

JAN
...and that subtle humour they
use to bounce off each other.
Loved it. There’s one scene where
Gondorff’s practising his card
trickery before the game with
Lonnegan, purely to show off to
Hooker - then he fucks it up
completely!

SIMON
Haha! And the look of sheer
horror on Hooker’s face!

JAN
Exactly! They could’ve ruined
that moment with a corny
one-liner, but they left it with
that look.

SIMON
They could’ve ruined this film so
many ways.

JAN
But they didn’t.

SIMON
They just let us revel in the
saucy glee of constantly knowing
something Lonnegan doesn’t.

JAN
Now you mention it, I think the
whole film’s premise is about
saucy glee.

SIMON
There’s a bit of a vengeance
undercurrent going on with
Hooker, but in the end, I think
it’s fair to say that’s the
quintessential spirit of the
film.


JAN
The hell with quintessential
spirits. Saucy glee was better.

Simon and Jan simultaeneously face camera.

SIMON
There you have it, then.

JAN
The Sting.

SIMON
SAUCY GLEE.

Cut to extravagant, unfathomably abstract credit sequence.